Departure day approaches in a few harried weeks.
I've haven't yet chosen the bead that will accompany me on my journey. M, a treasured customer, has known me since the first few weeks I opened. His daughter took her first step in the shop; , her first word was "bead". He suggested I wear the one that is covered in gold leaf; when the gold leaf rubs off, he further suggested, the journey is over. That set me in a bit of a panic: What Happens If I'm Not Ready to Come Home?
What will home be? Where will it be? I've butterflies now, careening around my insides, and it's currently ten to four in the morning, and while the rest of the southern hemisphere sleeps, I'm feeling a bit discombobulated and weightless; and my home echoes because there's little left in it, and I'm a bit like Pi setting out on his epic unbelievable journey, because I'm not sure where the Orangutan and the Tiger will appear or whether this little boat of my body can carry me on this epic journey, with no Home To Return To.
Yet, contradictorily, with all these life altering changes to the norm of stability, and with all the subtractions from my life, I'm also feeling very grounded and secure and optimistic. One Must Always Have A Plan. David once told me that he didn't believe in dreams .... and I knew then that I couldn't carry on with a non-dreamer. Because the difference between daily Detention or Delight, is the ability to Dream.
So, which bead? Like the red cords tied by Buddhists on so many of my journeys, I won't be able to take it off, even if nobody is watching. It must stay on in every photograph, every experience, it must be part of the hunger, and the dust, and the tears, and the laughter, and it must be close to my heart. l've a crystal bead that is hundreds and hundreds of years old, rudimentarily carved into a cat. They're not my favourite animals; they make my eyes itch and they're so up themselves I can't relate to them. So I think I'd be a bit of a hypocrite taking a cat bead with me, unless it's to make peace with my aleurophobia. I can't take anything of true value because I'm likely to get garotted in Timbuktu. I can't wear anything that would set off the bells and whistles during the "have you done cocaine today and do you have any piercings we should know about" airport inspection and x-ray machines. I need to wear a bead that won't strangle me while I sleep (I once woke up screaming because a big fat hand had wrapped itself around my neck and was suffocating me - until I realised it was my own hand, pins and needled asleep on my own neck ... uh huh ..) nor wake me with spirit deterring jingles as I toss and turn on beds of fleas and camel capok. I have a decent diamond that would physiologically tick all the boxes, except the concept of the bead itself! Anyway, I'm off diamonds and gold. I've always believed that if I was going to be the recipient of a diamond it had to be large enough for me to be able to touch up my lippy. Got that diamond for long services rendered. But there's no place for lippy in Ouazazoute, so the diamond is going into Storage.
Turquoise, stone of the ancients, and dense with mythology, is supposed to warn of ill health and of infidelity. So the health aspect would have some merit on my journey, and I wouldn't have to get up a half hour before the bus leaves to take all my life-enabling tablets that make me rattle every time I go over a bump, and I don't give a toss about the infidelity bit as all that would do would make for some sleepness nights. What's that, skook*?, oh, yes, forgot, I'm single now. Perhaps I'll wave it in the face of any man who makes those"let me show you something you've never seen before, eh eh! " eyes. I've some wonderful, rough lapis, another stone beloved of the ancients, except I'm not a "blue" person - but hmm, it would suit my Tuareg turban when the time comes.
Rose quartz invokes love, but I don't do pink. Ever. Since that dressing gown.
So I think I need a piece of ancient silver, and some lapis and turquoise.
Or perhaps I'll take a leaf from my own book, or in this case, a bead from my own string, and ask some of my customers to choose a bead for me from my collection that I'll assemble to wear; a totem against all ails, ills, woes; a necklace of friendship. After all, you're all the people who have helped me back up to my tottering feet and shown me that we can go wherever we want, if we just believe in ourselves.
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